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Tips From Big Mike

Emmett's Guide To Managing The Incompetent

April 16, 2009 5:33 PM

There is an art form to managing the lazy and inept. I am a master of that art, the Picasso of supervising the confused and bedraggled. Corporate has bestowed this responsibility on my shoulders and I do not intend to let them down.

I see myself as their lord -- they are my subjects. Whoever said, "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar," clearly never worked with Jeff Barnes, Lester Patel and Morgan Grimes.

Expect FAILURE
I expect my employees to fail at every task. I am prepared for every possible circumstance and scenario. It's impossible to be surprised if you anticipate complete disaster. It is impossible to be disappointed if your expectations are already at zero -- that's science people.

Induce FEAR.
For those who don't want to work, and have no desire to succeed, there is only one way to control them -- fill them with terror. Fear and intimidation are my pallet and paintbrush. Using them, I will paint a picture of misery and ORDER. Fear, at the Buy More, is the little death that brings me total control.

-- E. Milbarge

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Emmett's Art of Buy War

February 18, 2009 5:57 PM

All is fair in love and Buy War. I was not given power -- I took it. It was not by accident that I came in control of the Burbank Buy More. I have been hard at work, my friends. To prepare, I have been reading an ancient Chinese text, "The Art of War." With the master's teachings in hand, I was able to conquer the battlefield of the Buy More:

"He will win who knows when not to fight."

I have been planning my coup for months, a deadly cobra, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. I snatched the store from Big Michael's sugarcoated fingers. The man was never fit to rule anyway.

"All warfare is based on deception."

I love the smell of manipulation in the morning. Your enemies cannot defend themselves if they have no idea that they are under siege. I used the loathsome Morgan Grimes as my pawn. Together, we convinced the corporate evaluator that I was man for the job. Meanwhile as Big Michael concerned himself with bait, tackle and baked goods, I was handed the keys to the city.